I’ve been fascinated by anorexic people since I was 13 and watched that movie about the girl from Growing Pains in health class. Truth be told, jealous of them really. I know it’s bad, they’re killing themselves, la la la. But still, I’ve always been sickly envious of their abilities to control their intake of food like that.

Several years ago, I had a favorite website. It was called Fat Like Me, run by a girl named Jaoi. Often referred to as a “Pro-Ana” site, but I didn’t really see it that way. This girl was smart. Screwed up, but extremely intelligent and well-informed. Her site basically dealt with accepting her eating disorder and learning to live with it. Tips on living with it is where people tend to coin it pro-ana, I suppose. But it sure wasn’t encouraging people to be anorexic at all.

Anyway, she kept a journal of sorts, and I miss it. She took her site offline a few years ago. I search for her every now and then, and watching that episode of Skins reminded me of her and I decided to check again to see if anyone found where she went. Didn’t find anything. Did stumble across the archives of her site though, and I’ve enjoyed the past hour or so re-reading some of it.

I’ve been increasingly annoyed with food lately. Increasingly binging and unable to put a good lid on it. Sometimes I find food that can distract my cravings. But it’s never perfect. Everything good has one of the three bads. First bad for me is carbs, for obvious diabetes reasons. The more carbs I eat, the more insulin I need; the more insulin I need, the fatter I get. So I find lower carb food. Low carb food that satisfies binging urges, however, has more fat. This summer I was obsessed with almonds. Boot camp Cliff encouraged eating almonds. They have the good kind of fat. Of course, I know he wouldn’t encourage the way I eat almonds, which is probably 5 times the amount (at least) he would recommend. But they were so great because they had hardly any carbs!

Anyway, soon I decided all this extra fat from almonds wasn’t doing me any favors, so I’ve sworn them off. Now I try to avoid fat along with carbs. So what’s left in foods that don’t have tons and tons of carbs and fat AND satisfy my compulsive need to binge? Why food with lots of sodium of course.

Obviously I have issues with balance and moderation. I shouldn’t focus on one thing at a time, and should focus on moderately balancing nutrition. Ha, my brain knows this, but try getting my urges to comply.

There is no good binge food. I think that anything healthy for me is not capable of satisfying my binging urge. That would be against the rules. My whole binging desire stems from the need for forbidden fruit after all. Forbidden fruit not being literal fruit of course, as actual fruit is healthy and therefore utterly disgusting.

So long rambling aside, this is where my fascination with anorexia comes from. I am forever in awe of people who seemingly have such control over their hunger, screwed up as it may be.

On Friday, Cliff’s boot camp email contained a sentence that read, “There is an old saying in the fitness world that goes: Fitness is 10% physical, 10% mental and 80% nutrition.” UGH.

I couldn’t help but responding that it was the most depressing thing I’ve ever read in one of his emails (end: happy face, so I don’t come across completely batty!). I shouldn’t have replied, and I don’t really know why I did.  I normally say very little at boot camp. Excuses may be that it’s too early in the morning, it’s too dark to see much of anything, and I’m just the quiet type. But truly I think it’s that I find I can’t relate a whole lot to such mentally sound and up-beat, positive people. I’m more the sarcastic roll-your-eyes type. Not that I’m not a happy person, I generally am. I don’t know. I just feel these people have a much more positive life outlook than I do, and that they have it all put together in regards to their health.

Where as I’m the stupid type 1 diabetic with weird ED issues. Who the crap can relate to that? It’s mostly my own BS ego, really. I feel like any difficulty they may have in regard to food and losing weight is not on the same level as me. My issues cannot be compared to someone who struggles with a mere 20-30 pounds that has a perfectly normal insulin-producing and thyroid-producing body. If I’m completely honest, all I really want to do is punch those people in the face, even if they are nice and well-intentioned.

Don’t get me wrong, I love boot camp and those perfect people, and will never stop going so long as I’m able. It’s helped me tremendously over the past year and I’d be far worse off without it, that’s for bloody sure. That said, it can’t cure me of my constant food struggles I’ve had since as long as I can remember. I don’t think anything ever will. Perhaps the issues will hide themselves for a while, but they always resurface.

I was bingy today. Which isn’t so out of the ordinary for a Sunday. Now I feel guilty and gross for eating, plus my blood sure is on a hideous spike. Double guilt, double patheticness. I think it’s dinner time though.

With jury duty and MLK day last week, I barely had to work at all. It was pretty fucking sweet. I go through this every year after Christmas break: I cannot get back on the ball for the life of me. It stays this way definitely through spring, partially recovering in the summer and fall. Sometimes I think I never get over the burnout, and just get suckier at being an adult the more time passes.

Anyway, jury duty? I highly recommend it. Why are people so negative about getting out of work and sitting around doing nothing for a few days? I got to read–a LOT. It was awesome! I hope I get picked next time, so long as it isn’t a murder trial or something scary like that. Haha. Of course, now that I know I like it, I’ll probably never be called again. Can I volunteer?

I’ve been a big pile of poop about eating and doing well at boot camp the past two weeks. Partly monthly hormones making me insane as usual, and also part burnout from EXTREME boot camp the first week in January, I think. I don’t know, but I really need to stop eating like shit. Why will I never have control over this? They say anorexia is about control: the person feels she can’t control anything in her life, so she controls food/her body.

I’m the exact opposite. My entire life is well controlled–particularly diabetes. Diabetes makes my world revolve around constant complete and utter control. Therefore my ability to control my hunger (or false sense there of) goes down the toilet. And it’s interesting really, because control of my diabetes revolves around carbs–which is the food I love most. So even when I’m going out of control with binging on food, I’m still in this sick twisted sense of control because of diabetes and my unwillingness to let that go to hell. It’s so absurd and mental, and I’m completely self-aware of it and still can’t make myself stop.

Kind of like picking out my eyebrows, my other lack of control issue. Same situation really. I think I have some kind of warped OCD tendencies.

If I could ever fix those two problems with myself, I feel like my life would be completely settled. Like the end of a novel. How ridiculous does that sound? And I’ve felt like that with food since I hit puberty.

Who’s crazy? ME.

Hmmm mmmm mmmm.

Well, I didn’t even have enough insulin left in my pump to correct that idiocy, so I had to change my site. Which I should have done last night. I think I had a problem with this site working if I slept on it. I’ve been having screwy BG every morning this week and haven’t been able to figure what’s really going on since my CGM is broken.

I should be getting the replacement sensors today. Thank god. I don’t know what to do with myself without them.

Anyway, at 5:00 this morning I changed my pump infusion set, took a massive correction bolus and went back to sleep. I set my alarm for 7 and got up at 8:20, making it to work a bit before 9. AWESOME!

I feel very rested though. And I don’t want to be at work. Even though I need to get crap done today. We have Monday off–WOOHOO–and next Tuesday afternoon I will be out for  jury duty!

How exciting. I’ve never done jury duty before so I have no idea of what to expect. Maybe I won’t get selected. Who knows. I wonder if I do get selected if I’ll have to make a note about my insulin pump. I can just see it start buzzing in the middle of a trial and I have to check it and somebody thinks it’s a pager. Ugh, embarrassing.

I am beyond ready for the weekend. Day, move on with it, will ya?

Couple that with the fact that I’m pretty sure my period is starting soon, and you have my blood sugar being completely and utterly disgusting.

I don’t know how to be a diabetic without the CGM anymore. I have used it constantly for over a year and am completely dependent on it. I can feel my lows, but more often than not I don’t notice I’m high until over 200… and by this time I need about a million units of insulin to bring me back down.

Which pisses me off because I can’t think of taking a bunch of extra insulin without feeling like I’m just injecting myself with a bunch of fat.

For the past three mornings I’ve woken up at 175. Which is STUPID, and I’m pretty sure can be blamed on my oncoming period. I don’t know why else it would be like this when nothing else has changed … except me not being able to rely on my CGM.

To make matters worse I have my endo appointment tomorrow afternoon. I should have canceled it, because I feel horrible about my BGs lately and about my weight. I feel like I’m incapable of losing more weight.

Over the last year and change I lost somewhere over 50lbs (most of it before this summer). Though I feel like I’ve gained 10 of them back in the last few weeks, because for me not being perfect in every way means gaining weight.

I hate it. I exercise 5 days a week. Not little bitty exercise either. And I eat better than a lot of people I know. I’m not perfect. I eat out socially with co-workers, family and friends on occasion. Try and not be too bad at restaurants. But it’s very far from perfect.

I’m hypothroid and take synthroid. Just had my levels checked in the fall and they were fine.

So why am I still destined to be the same god-awful weight forever? And I’m not talking about goofy little girl crap about obsessing over a number. I genuinely need to lose about 40-50 more pounds. I’m not even trying to be skinny. I do enjoy food, therefore I do not think this is reasonable.

But when I started out trying to lose weight, I truly thought I would be able just exercise and watch my eating moderately and be able to lose weight to a size I’m happy with (all I’m asking for is a size 10/12…maybe an 8; I’m size 16 now). I didn’t think I would have to be perfect with eating and be constantly tortured by it, just to end up a size 40 pounds heavier than I hated myself for in high school.

I look at everyone else around me and they eat so much worse and don’t exercise hardly at all and are perfectly sized.

I don’t understand this. I blame diabetes and think I take too much insulin. I blame my thyroid and my body being a flaming idiot in general.

I don’t want to go into my endo appointment tomorrow the same or perhaps 2lbs lighter than in October and hear them tell me I’m doing good. At the way I’ve been killing myself, 2lbs is crap.

I don’t want to get my A1c back at 6 something and hear “that’s great!” It’s not great, I’ve been over 200, probably 250 at least once a day for the past I don’t know how long, with ridiculous lows (bolus-rage!) to match… and my daily total use of insulin is currently 10units higher than normal.

If I were at my appointment right now and they said either one of these things to me, I know I would embarrass myself and burst out crying in the damn nursing station.

I hate my period and what it does to me a whole 1/4 of the damn month. One fourth! That’s absurdity right there. The second it starts though, I will be fine and look back at this post thinking “what an idiot!” Until next month, anyway…