I’ve been fascinated by anorexic people since I was 13 and watched that movie about the girl from Growing Pains in health class. Truth be told, jealous of them really. I know it’s bad, they’re killing themselves, la la la. But still, I’ve always been sickly envious of their abilities to control their intake of food like that.

Several years ago, I had a favorite website. It was called Fat Like Me, run by a girl named Jaoi. Often referred to as a “Pro-Ana” site, but I didn’t really see it that way. This girl was smart. Screwed up, but extremely intelligent and well-informed. Her site basically dealt with accepting her eating disorder and learning to live with it. Tips on living with it is where people tend to coin it pro-ana, I suppose. But it sure wasn’t encouraging people to be anorexic at all.

Anyway, she kept a journal of sorts, and I miss it. She took her site offline a few years ago. I search for her every now and then, and watching that episode of Skins reminded me of her and I decided to check again to see if anyone found where she went. Didn’t find anything. Did stumble across the archives of her site though, and I’ve enjoyed the past hour or so re-reading some of it.

I’ve been increasingly annoyed with food lately. Increasingly binging and unable to put a good lid on it. Sometimes I find food that can distract my cravings. But it’s never perfect. Everything good has one of the three bads. First bad for me is carbs, for obvious diabetes reasons. The more carbs I eat, the more insulin I need; the more insulin I need, the fatter I get. So I find lower carb food. Low carb food that satisfies binging urges, however, has more fat. This summer I was obsessed with almonds. Boot camp Cliff encouraged eating almonds. They have the good kind of fat. Of course, I know he wouldn’t encourage the way I eat almonds, which is probably 5 times the amount (at least) he would recommend. But they were so great because they had hardly any carbs!

Anyway, soon I decided all this extra fat from almonds wasn’t doing me any favors, so I’ve sworn them off. Now I try to avoid fat along with carbs. So what’s left in foods that don’t have tons and tons of carbs and fat AND satisfy my compulsive need to binge? Why food with lots of sodium of course.

Obviously I have issues with balance and moderation. I shouldn’t focus on one thing at a time, and should focus on moderately balancing nutrition. Ha, my brain knows this, but try getting my urges to comply.

There is no good binge food. I think that anything healthy for me is not capable of satisfying my binging urge. That would be against the rules. My whole binging desire stems from the need for forbidden fruit after all. Forbidden fruit not being literal fruit of course, as actual fruit is healthy and therefore utterly disgusting.

So long rambling aside, this is where my fascination with anorexia comes from. I am forever in awe of people who seemingly have such control over their hunger, screwed up as it may be.

On Friday, Cliff’s boot camp email contained a sentence that read, “There is an old saying in the fitness world that goes: Fitness is 10% physical, 10% mental and 80% nutrition.” UGH.

I couldn’t help but responding that it was the most depressing thing I’ve ever read in one of his emails (end: happy face, so I don’t come across completely batty!). I shouldn’t have replied, and I don’t really know why I did.  I normally say very little at boot camp. Excuses may be that it’s too early in the morning, it’s too dark to see much of anything, and I’m just the quiet type. But truly I think it’s that I find I can’t relate a whole lot to such mentally sound and up-beat, positive people. I’m more the sarcastic roll-your-eyes type. Not that I’m not a happy person, I generally am. I don’t know. I just feel these people have a much more positive life outlook than I do, and that they have it all put together in regards to their health.

Where as I’m the stupid type 1 diabetic with weird ED issues. Who the crap can relate to that? It’s mostly my own BS ego, really. I feel like any difficulty they may have in regard to food and losing weight is not on the same level as me. My issues cannot be compared to someone who struggles with a mere 20-30 pounds that has a perfectly normal insulin-producing and thyroid-producing body. If I’m completely honest, all I really want to do is punch those people in the face, even if they are nice and well-intentioned.

Don’t get me wrong, I love boot camp and those perfect people, and will never stop going so long as I’m able. It’s helped me tremendously over the past year and I’d be far worse off without it, that’s for bloody sure. That said, it can’t cure me of my constant food struggles I’ve had since as long as I can remember. I don’t think anything ever will. Perhaps the issues will hide themselves for a while, but they always resurface.

I was bingy today. Which isn’t so out of the ordinary for a Sunday. Now I feel guilty and gross for eating, plus my blood sure is on a hideous spike. Double guilt, double patheticness. I think it’s dinner time though.

Well, I didn’t even have enough insulin left in my pump to correct that idiocy, so I had to change my site. Which I should have done last night. I think I had a problem with this site working if I slept on it. I’ve been having screwy BG every morning this week and haven’t been able to figure what’s really going on since my CGM is broken.

I should be getting the replacement sensors today. Thank god. I don’t know what to do with myself without them.

Anyway, at 5:00 this morning I changed my pump infusion set, took a massive correction bolus and went back to sleep. I set my alarm for 7 and got up at 8:20, making it to work a bit before 9. AWESOME!

I feel very rested though. And I don’t want to be at work. Even though I need to get crap done today. We have Monday off–WOOHOO–and next Tuesday afternoon I will be out for  jury duty!

How exciting. I’ve never done jury duty before so I have no idea of what to expect. Maybe I won’t get selected. Who knows. I wonder if I do get selected if I’ll have to make a note about my insulin pump. I can just see it start buzzing in the middle of a trial and I have to check it and somebody thinks it’s a pager. Ugh, embarrassing.

I am beyond ready for the weekend. Day, move on with it, will ya?

What is EXTREME boot camp, you ask? It’s regular boot camp, except, well EXTREME. No holding back on the EXTREMENESS either. I should have written in this blog about it last week, when I remembered exactly what we did each day, but the weekend already made me forget. So I’ll just tell you about the day I wanted to die most:

It didn’t start out great, due to diabetes being an idiot. My blood sugar was something like 40mg/dl when I got up–in other words, way too low. So I needed sugar before I could leave. Decided the idea of glucose tabs so early in the morning made me want to puke, so I opted for juice.

Well, I check the temperature before I leave and it said it was 50. However, this was the morning the insane cold front from hell was blowing in to town, plus I heard the wind outside, so I knew it wasn’t going to feel like 50.  Sure enough the temperature starts dropping the minute I get there, and with the wind blowing at 8 million miles per hour, it feels like 20 degrees. Oh yeah, and it’s drizzling outside. Or just wet all over. Not raining, really. But annoyingly wet none the less.

Then after warm up he tells us what we’re doing for the day. Eight 400 meter intervals! Eight! In barf-worthy weather!

By the 6th interval, I wanted to die. At one point my feet and lower legs were completely soaked, both my shoelaces came untied despite double knots, my pants were falling down because they were heavy from the wetness, my hair was falling out of it’s holder, snot was pouring down my face and I think I drank a good cup’s worth, and my stomach hurt to hell from that stupid juice I had to drink!

But it was worth it in the end because I made it through and now I’m stronger for it. Blah blah blah. In any case, regular boot camp started back this morning (EXTREEEEEME was only for one week), and it was pie by comparison.

By the way, my plan is to make use of this web site again. Really. Except, I’ve come to the realization that while I still play The Sims, I do not think I will be involved with it online like I once was, and therefore the overall topic (and hopefully soon the design) of this site will change. Archive that old Sims stuff anyway. If I ever get around to it.