You know how to get along humming…
It’s almost Monday again. Damn it all.
With jury duty and MLK day last week, I barely had to work at all. It was pretty fucking sweet. I go through this every year after Christmas break: I cannot get back on the ball for the life of me. It stays this way definitely through spring, partially recovering in the summer and fall. Sometimes I think I never get over the burnout, and just get suckier at being an adult the more time passes.
Anyway, jury duty? I highly recommend it. Why are people so negative about getting out of work and sitting around doing nothing for a few days? I got to read–a LOT. It was awesome! I hope I get picked next time, so long as it isn’t a murder trial or something scary like that. Haha. Of course, now that I know I like it, I’ll probably never be called again. Can I volunteer? 
I’ve been a big pile of poop about eating and doing well at boot camp the past two weeks. Partly monthly hormones making me insane as usual, and also part burnout from EXTREME boot camp the first week in January, I think. I don’t know, but I really need to stop eating like shit. Why will I never have control over this? They say anorexia is about control: the person feels she can’t control anything in her life, so she controls food/her body.
I’m the exact opposite. My entire life is well controlled–particularly diabetes. Diabetes makes my world revolve around constant complete and utter control. Therefore my ability to control my hunger (or false sense there of) goes down the toilet. And it’s interesting really, because control of my diabetes revolves around carbs–which is the food I love most. So even when I’m going out of control with binging on food, I’m still in this sick twisted sense of control because of diabetes and my unwillingness to let that go to hell. It’s so absurd and mental, and I’m completely self-aware of it and still can’t make myself stop.
Kind of like picking out my eyebrows, my other lack of control issue. Same situation really. I think I have some kind of warped OCD tendencies.
If I could ever fix those two problems with myself, I feel like my life would be completely settled. Like the end of a novel. How ridiculous does that sound? And I’ve felt like that with food since I hit puberty.
Who’s crazy? ME.
