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The way things are going, they’re gonna crucify me.

As far as bad weeks go, this one was probably in my top three.  Well maybe not, but I have a bad memory of bad things, so it’s one of the worst in a long while, let’s put it that way.

My blood sugar is just a mess. That’s all there is to describe it. In my post on Monday I said it was doing better. Well, apparently I jinxed things saying that. The next day I was low before I left to exercise in the morning (58), and it was 357 when I got back. This morning it was 130 before I left (following a 2am low of 38), then it was 385 when I got back. There just aren’t words for the ridiculousness of that.

The consensus seems to be that I’m running out of insulin in my system at that time in the morning. And exercise is causing my body to create glucose, but it has no where to go. Something like that anyway.

I was frustrated beyond all reason this morning. Just plain pissed. I can’t think of a time when I’ve ever been so frustrated with having diabetes.  I’ve had my share of bad moments, mostly revolving around lows in the night, but that didn’t get me down quite so much. I think what’s bothering me so much about this situation is that it’s revolving around my new found exercising, and it took everything in me to start exercising in the first place. As I’ve already talked about many times here before, I’m coming from a bad, bad unhealthy time in my life.

My diabetes interfering is just pushing me over the top. It’s hard enough for me to keep up with other people in that camp as it is. Six years of gaining so much weight and not exercising even a little bit did more damage than I even realized. My knees are not in good shape at all. But I expected some of this. I even expected a bit of a mess with my diabetes, just nothing even close to this bad.

Being diagnosed with type 1 diabetes when I was 18 didn’t even get me down like this. Not even close, actually.  In fact, I took the news of being diagnosed fairly well, and I think that is because it made me lose so much weight in a the span of few months before I landed myself in the hospital. It made me fit into a size 8, so I forgave it. Haha.  But nine years later, I’m less willing to excuse its fucking bullshit.

I’m tired of it. I spoke with my doctor. He suggested splitting my evening shot up, but I’m skeptical that it will cover me properly that way. I’m skeptical that the insulin I’m on right now is going to adjust to my new schedule at all, actually. I’m going to see him Monday morning. Hopefully I won’t lose my shit. I’m one of those people who cries easily when upset, pissed, or frustrated. I loathe the idea of bringing that into the doctor’s office, but oh well.

I posted about this to the diabetes live journal community, and of course everyone there thinks my life will be easier if I consider an insulin pump. Not that I’m surprised by that. People in that community are quite big fans. In fact, all pumpers I’ve heard of highly recommend it. I don’t know many type 1s in person, in fact, I think the only one I know is my cousin’s husband (well, and their first child), and they live in California. He does have a pump, and last I heard loves it and would never go back.

But despite all this, the idea of having some thing attached to me all the time scares the shit out of me. But if it helped make me more flexible to change and avoid completely absurd situations like I’m in now, perhaps it’s really time I get over that.

This week was also not made any better by the fact that there are a couple things work-wise stressing me out. One was a time-crunch situation early in the week, that wasn’t really anyone’s fault, it just happened to come with some bad timing given everything else going on between my mess and my being out of town last week. This group is really, really good to me, so I’ll do anything I can for them.  But that ended Tuesday. The other thing is concerning a different group I do work for outside regular hours. I did a project for them that mostly ended this summer. They paid me once at the beginning of the year for it, and though they talked about continuing with new things in the future, they never talked about when this would happen, and more so, they didn’t discuss payment with me for these things. Then in September, out of the blue they throw some new stuff in my lap, and it seemed to me like it was expected of me to just do it, and there was no talk of payment at all. Perhaps if it were any other time in my life, I would have just shrugged it off. But as you all know, I’m going through some craziness at the moment. Now is not the time to expect free shit out of me. Well, I didn’t get back with them right away. My schedule was pretty full with the other project I mentioned, me going out of town, and my state of pitiful health.

So then this week, they’re wondering if I’m going to just be permanently busy, or if it’s just tempory. I decide it’s time I bring up the fact that if I’m going to be doing new projects for them, we need to make a new contract. It’s stupid, and I’m probably making a bigger deal of it than it is, and this being done all over email, maybe I’m just taking it wrong. But whatever the case, I HATE dealing with this side of things. I HATE being put in the position where I have to bring this up at all. And lord knows if I even did it tactfully. It’s just stressing me out.

My in office job isn’t causing me stress at least, other than just being required to show up. Haha. Seriously, that is the most stressful part at the moment. After my nutty blood sugar level this morning, I took off today, and I felt stupid and guilty as hell doing it. I don’t know why. I guess I just feel like a turd after being gone all last week, even if I was gone for work. I get preoccupied with worrying that they think I’m just this weird freak that can’t get her shit together.  The logical part of me knows they don’t really think this. I just have issues with being so different from everyone sometimes, I guess.  I’m not normal like everyone else there. I’m quiet, I’m geeky, I have a lot of weird interests compared to them, I can’t keep a normal human schedule to save my life, and my diabetes naturally makes me a freak of nature. Most of the time, I can accept this. But times like now it gets to me. I feel more guilty being such a “special case” because I know I’m lucky to be there.  Too incredibly lucky.  Let’s just say “someone” I know was told at his evil job that it’s frowned upon to choose to take his vacation time at the end of the year. Of all the stupid on the planet ever. That kind of crap really puts my complaining about work into perspective.

Oh, and in other crappiness, my big 24″ monitor shit out on me completely (after a period of hinting at it) right after I came back from my trip last week. With everything else going on this week, particularly with my knees hurting like a bitch, I haven’t shipped it off to be repaired/replaced yet.  It’s still under warranty, luckily. So for now my poor pitiful self is stuck with my old 17″ with 1280×1024 resolution, and it’s a little bit of torture. Especially while playing Sims. >__>

Okay new goal: my next entry here isn’t going to be so pouty.