Jaclynt.com

Long ranty post, not as cool as the Trillion Million Dollar Check

I’ve had quite the interesting week. And I’m not sure why I decided to write about it now, when I’m incredibly pissed about wasting 30 minutes of life sitting behind a bunch of ass-fucks on University Drive trying to get somewhere I don’t even want to be at all. The traffic today is just astoundingly shitty! Which is saying a lot, because it sucks on a regular basis. I don’t know if it’s people up from Galveston, a football game this weekend (I don’t keep up), or just students being shitheads in general, but GOD.

Okay, now that that’s out of my system (not really, maybe I need to browse the internet and come back), my week was interesting because I joined this thing called Adventure Boot Camp.  Which basically entails getting up at 5 in the morning and exercising with a huge group of women, and dying a little bit.  If you know me at all (even just from reading my posts), the idea of me exercising at all is completely laughable, made even more laughable by the idea of me waking up at 5 in the morning.

So why did I do this? *Shrug* I’ve pretty much thought about my state of patheticness and how I need to do something about it 24/7 for the past several years. I came across this Adventure Boot Camp on a blog, looked it up, and decided to join.  The idea of just joining a gym, or starting to figure out how to exercise on my own accord when I haven’t done so since I was a child always seemed like a massive fail to me. But committing to something like this, that’s everyday in a big group, sounded like something more up my alley (actually, it reminds me of drill team). The 5:30 in the morning thing sounded absurd at first, but then when I thought about it, I realized when would be a good time? After work? That’d be hot and still hard to do. Plus it’d be daylight hours and more people would be around.

As it turns out 5:30 in the morning is much like night time to me still, so it’s actually not so bad, and as far as exercising times go, it’s really quite perfect. No one else is around but our group, we’re outside with only moonlight, so my shame factor is significantly decreased.

The hard part is going to bed earlier, and going to work afterward. Fucking work. I’m in a very anti-work mood for the past several weeks, but that’s a rant for later.

So how was my first week of exercising after an eternity of being a couch potato? Torture! I’ve been walking funny all week. But at the same time I like it, and I want to get better.  It’s made me realize just how pathetic I truly have become. It makes me miss dance and how flexible I used to be. How strong my legs used to be.

It’s funny because I’ve hated my body since I turned 12. I’ve never in my life been a skinny person, and I’ve resented it big time.  Looking back, I wasn’t as bad as I thought I was when I was younger, it was more just that most teenagers are skinny, and I wasn’t. I wasn’t fat, like I thought I was, I just wasn’t a size 0, and while actually some what toned, I was larger than near every one else on my high school drill team and in my dance classes. Perhaps that was my problem, trying to fit in with a bunch of tiny dancing teens.

Anyway, when I was a senior in college, I quit dancing. I think I gained a few more pounds that summer and combined with an impending course load of doom, I decided to take off from dancing that semester. Fully intending to come back of course. But did I? NO. Biggest mistake ever.

Long story short, and there are certainly a million more reasons behind it, 5-6 years later and a billion pounds, and you have where I am today. Very unhealthy, and apparently more out of shape than 70 year-old women. I say that, because there are women in their 70s in this camp (there are also college girls, it fits all levels/ages), and I shit you not, I struggle to keep up with them.  I am bottom of the pole for sure.  It will take a very long time for me to undo what all I’ve done (I could lose 10 pounds a month for a year and still not be skinny), but I hope I can keep up with this and not poop out.

My main challenge so far has been stupid diabetes. Of course. My blood sugar very much affects what I’m able to do in terms of endurance. If it’s really high, fucking forget it.  The first three days were perfectly fine. Thursday, I woke up with a low (48). Fan-fucking-tastic! So I corrected it before going off to camp. Came back from camp and it was a whopping 280. Way to go, you stupid, stupid body. I’m used to my body retailiating after a low, but this was just absurd. Tried to correct after that, went to bed for an hour, got up and it was still 280.  I had a massive headache at this point and decided to take off work and fell back asleep. Woke up for lunch, and what was my blood sugar? 38!

Utter failure.

Well, as it turns out this morning, I realized the true reason for this, and that reason is my stupid period. I didn’t even remember that it was that time already. Did not occur to me once. But assuredly this is the main reason behind the extreme ridiculousness.  And this morning was a repeat of that ridiculousness, just to a lesser extreme (61 / 258).

Anyway, hopefully once my time is over, the morning lows will be too. Figuring out if I need to adjust my insulin levels with the new exercise will be tricky. I’m scared I’m going to really screw up once, and ruin myself on the entire exercising thing. Hopefully not. Fingers crossed.

So yeah. That’s pretty much that. I’m incredibly bummed though because I already have to miss four days of camp next week because of stupid work. Back in June I signed up to go to this overly expensive training in San Antonio, and I can’t back out of it now. Stupid training. Why couldn’t it be back in August? I’m very unhappy about going to this. Not excited at all, and I really don’t like San Antonio. Mostly, I don’t want to get more behind than I already am in boot camp. But, what can you do?

The only plus side is that I won’t have to sit in the little pit of hell that is my office building for a few days. Some times I get so burned out on office life and working in general, I completely lose it. Now is one of those times. Nothing about what I’m doing right now interests me, and emails are pissing me off. My God how I hate sitting here for so long, it’s just the hugest waste of life. And then I get to thinking how this seems to bother NO ONE ELSE here, and I get even more pissy. And un-punctual. Crawling in after 9:30 for the win. Fuck it, I just don’t care. It’s times like this I realize I should take long vacations each year. If I would take a week, maybe I wouldn’t burn out like this. But it never seems like a good time, and it never seems like a good reason. (What am I going to do on my break? Sit around and watch Days?) So I just resort to taking days here and there, and then feeling immensely guilty every time I do, imagining how everyone here thinks I’m a lazy, pathetic idiot, which I am.

In other news, some kid in town got “accidentally” shot by his roommate and died the other day. He was good friends with a co-worker, which is how I even heard of the incident since I don’t pay much attention to local news. This situation is just so absurd and disgusting. I mean really, what is some college age (or just out of college, maybe) kid in College God damn Station doing with a gun anyway? The kid got shot in the head while his roommate was showing off some feature of the gun to some other guy. WOW, really. Way to practice gun safety.  I wonder what happens to people like this (the killer)? Nothing? I’m sure he feels like shit, and will forever, but if it were my family member or friend that got killed that would just not be okay.  Reading news posts on the internet about it, the majority seem to be defending the “accident” and just plain too sympathetic toward the shooter here. I do not understand this, at all.  It’s sad, absolutely, and the shooter was a friend, but regardless of what happened, he should be held responsible. If he was driving drunk and killed the kid that way, these people would not be so defensive of the offender. And gun carelessness is just as negligent.  The more I think about it, the stupider the whole tragedy sounds. This should have never happened.  Some kid living on “Fraternity Row” (I shit you not) should not own a gun, and he should not have kept it fucking loaded and ready to go while showing off to some buddies. That is a danger to everyone who may enter that house, the surrounding houses and anyone driving by. God.

Have I done enough ranting for the day? Maybe. Only a few more hours of the afternoon, and hopefully I can get over my extreme grumpiness.