One trillion million dollars richer.
I really am a boring person. I spend the majority of my time working, sleeping, playing The Sims or some other game, reading, watching TV–well, you get the idea. I like to stay at home and be a lazy bum.
Despite this, on the rare occasion that I do leave my apartment, the stupidest and most absurd fucking shit happens. Tonight was one of those nights.
On my way home from work, I stopped by Barnes and Noble. I’ve been flying through my Sookie Stackhouse vampire novels like mad and didn’t want to wait for the next one to ship from Amazon. I took a little while longer than I intended, because despite the fact that the series is getting an HBO show made out of it (or perhaps because of it?), they didn’t have many of the books. So I went searching around a bit to make sure they weren’t on a special display somewhere. And they weren’t, of course, College Station Barnes and Noble just sucks. But they had two of the four I was going for, so I guess that’s okay.
Andy has been sick so he asked if I could pick up dinner on the way home. We decide on McAlister’s Deli. He calls it in and I take off. McAlister’s is quite close to B&N, so I sit in my car and read the back of my new books for a few minutes before walking in to get the food.
I’m still early when I walk in, and no one is in front of the to-go checkout line. So I just stand there and look around at the lovely wall decorations. Well, a minute or two later, an older woman walks in the door, looking like she too is waiting for a to-go order. She stands behind me a few seconds, and then taps me on the shoulder.
Uh oh.
Her: “Did you know I’ve been praying for you?”
Me: “Huh?”
Her: “I saw you out in the car, and I just wanted to let you know I was praying to God about you.”
Now, at this point, bear in mind I’m in College Station, Texas which is why I assumed what I did. This woman had white hair tied back in a low bun and was wearing a long flower-patterned dress. My first thoughts of course were that she was some religious fanatic trying to sell me on something.
Then she opened her mouth some more. I will tell you she said all of these things, and I’m not exaggerating, though I may get them out of actual order, as my brain was in OHMYSHIT mode the entire time.
Her: “I’ve been talking to God, and I want to tell you that we’re going to make you like you were when you were 15. You’ll never grow a day older again.”
(I did not enjoy being 15, it was an awful, yucky, awkward stage and why anyone would want to be 15 for life is beyond me.)
Her, continuing: “You’ll never gain any more weight–and your teeth, let me see your teeth.”
She then grins to show her teeth and tells me to do this as well so she can get a look at them. I oblige.
Her: “Well your teeth are pretty white and straight. Okay, God? Do you hear me? We’ll keep her teeth exactly as they are now. Okay. What eye color would you like? Aqua?”
Me: “I kinda like my eye color as it is now.”
Her: “Okay, God, she likes her eye color, we’ll keep that the same. How about your hair? Is that your natural hair color?”
Me: “Well the roots are.” I bend down to show her. HAHA.
Her, pointing to the middle of my hair: “Well, let’s make her hair this golden red color all over forever. How about your bra size? How tall are you? 5′8″?”
Me: “No, I’m 5′6″.”
Her: “Oh okay, so what do you want a B cup?”
I shrugged. (I’m a D by the way, lol.)
Her: “God, let’s give her a perky B cup with bright pointy nipples.”
I honestly don’t remember if she said pointy or pink, but erm, either way, this was going downhill fast.
Her, continuing: “How about shoe size? What would you like a 5 or 5 and a half?”
Me: “8.”
Her: “Oh no, you want to go down. 5 or 5 and a half?”
Me: “Okay, 5 and a half.”
Her: “Okay God, do you hear me? Now lets give her nice naturally rosy cheeks and pink lips.”
She either pauses for a bit now, or I space out a bit and check to see if anyone is at the fucking to-go counter yet. They’re not. And now the big kicker comes.
Her: “I tell you what,” she says to me with a big grin, “I’m going to write you a cashier’s check!”
Me: “Okay.”
Her: “Now what’s your name?”
I should have made something up, but fuck, I was frazzled! Me: “Jaclyn”
Her: “Spell that–J-A-C-K–”
Me: “No, J-A-C-L”
Her: “J-A-C-K”
Me: “LYN”
Her: “Okay God, do you have that. We’re going to make it out to Jacklyn. I’m going to write you a check for one trillion million dollars.”
I am not making this up. One trillion million dollars. At this point someone is at the to-go counter. She’s still babbling to God about writing me this check. I pay for my food and as I turn to leave,
Her: “Do you have time to sit down?”
Me: “No, I really need to go…”
Her: “Can you wait in your car a minute? I’ll be there in just a minute.”
Me: “Okay.”
She then goes up and orders an iced tea or something and I bolt my fucking ass out of there as fast as I can move. I turn the engine on and peel out without putting on my seatbelt or glasses until I’m already moving.
Most likely she’s just a harmless old lady with severe mental problems, but hell, you never know with crazy people, and I didn’t want to stick around to find out. I was both as amused and creeped out as I’ve ever been.
It’s bothering me a bit now that I couldn’t think up a fake name. And that she saw me in my car? Hopefully she’s just senseless crazy and has already forgotten about me. I’m crossing my fingers anyway.
SO HOW WAS YOUR NIGHT? Can you top that? I motherfucking doubt it!
OMG. You should totally go out more often. Just so you can entertain the world with the random shit that happens to you.
And tomorrow is my birthday. That’s about all I got. I can’t top you.
Yes, I’m left with a desire to either be adventurous or hermit forever, I can’t decide. >.<
And HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! I’ll send you some of my one trillion million dollars as a present!
:O
You should have waited for the check….. ROFL
I saved someone’s life tonight - true story, at least I prevented him from dying until I got him to the ICU, but at this point he’s still not doing all that great. But hey, It’s nothing out of the ordinary really.. I’m still trying to pick my jaw up off the floor from YOUR story… W T F - I have NEVER had any patient that had either dementia/mental issues or even hallucinating from meds or detoxing or encephalapathic tell me anything as CRAZY as that SHIT, thanks for the laughs.
Going to go try to keep another one from doing something crazy like having a heart attack, CYA!
Oh, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY Deb!
Yeah can’t really top your night.
One trillion million dollars? Has she been watching Austin Powers much? Oh wait; that might be too raunchy for her.
I think she was just having one of those “I’m old so I can be as crazy as I want days” or she was serious. Hmm….
Hmm I need to go to your town before I die and try to see if anything ‘odd’ will happen to me. LOL.
Anyway this made me crack up. I also was thinking how crazy this woman might be and she might be a senile (excuse my spelling) old lady.
I just have to say, that is the most fucking hilarious thing I’ve ever heard. And it’s even better that it actually happened.
At the “trillion million dollars” I just lost it. lmfao oh goodness
you’ll have to report back if your shoes/bra start getting to big
Oh Wow, I Mean Wow. That’s Just Freaking Insane. That Was One Creepy Little Lady. Sounds Like A Very Server Mental Person. Poor Jaclyn, Of Course It Had To Happen To You Huh? lol. Sounds Like A Very Interesting Night Indeed! lmao.
~Celeste
Sam–Austin Powers! YES! Every time I’ve been saying that bit in my head, it’s been with Dr. Evil’s voice. Haha.
As an update, I still haven’t received my check. Dang it.
Thanks for the comments, guys. ^__^
Wow, I cracked up reading this! This was the funniest thing I’ve heard the entire day! HAHAHAHAHA! Great story! I can’t believe (but I do believe) that happened to you, lol. People are nuts. Thanks for sharing. Glad you’re back home safely to tell us this story. hehe
NO FOR REAL! Did this happen tuesday? Woah, night of weirdness i guess because something happened to me, my mom and my sister too!
This was in Portland btw. We live really near there so we go there often. It was already dark outside and we needed to get out of the city and get back home, so we were walking past the trimet train station, and some guy is randomly flipping us off. we didn’t think anything of it. but then as we kept walking, he came after us! No shit! So i yelled at my mom and sister to go inside the nearby starbucks, and we picked up the pace and got into there with him walking behind on with this creepy look on his face. when we got inside, he stoped for a moment and kept watching us through the glass door.
Anyways long story short, i called the police, about 5 of them show up and after we tell them everything, they escort us to the train/max station and wait for our max to arrive before leaving to make sure we were safe. I think it was most likely that he came after us because my sister and my mom wear that hijab scarf on there heads, and he could tell we were obviously arabic. He must have been either crazy and super super drunk, or really ignorant.
DUDE! That’s effing sp00ky ¬¬.
I surely hope she doesn’t know any Hocus-Pocus or any other heebie jeebies crap that folks like to do around big ol’ Texas. I’m glad you got the hell out of dodge…
…but doesn’t it make you wonder what she was realllllly up to? How bizarre.
Ergh that gives me the creeps. *shivers*
Okay first of all, you’re so totally not a boring person, cause I think you’re awesome, interesting, and hilarious. Hey I don’t even a have a job but I do love to to practically the same things you like to do, and I don’t think I’m boring so that doesn’t make you boring at all not one bit.
And second of all…
Haha wow that is absolutely absurd seriously that should be like in a comedy movie, Jaclyn. Hahaha I still can’t stop laughing. What kind of person suggests a stranger what cup size they should want? O_o
Haha have you checked your bank amount lately noticing lots of extra zeros?
I feel horrible to say this, but was she wearing a white gown? It sounds like she just came out of a mental ward. >_<
There are some guys like that in Waikiki and it creeps me out too. Once when I walked to the host of a bar to find out about the wait for a table, then this guy (I hate to judge people, but he looked homeless) came up asked me if I could be his sunshine flower… Thankfully it was crowded so I pretended I didn’t understand, I said I was sorry I had to leave, and then I quickly walked back to my friends.
It’s a good thing you don’t get too much into those conversations. I’ve read some scary news where people pretend to act mentally crazy so that the people they go to feel bad for them and try to help because they think the person is vulnerable, but they don’t realize that they themselves become vulnerable and that gives the crazy person a great chance to just steal or do anything really.
AHAHAHAHA
Wow! I wish that would happen to me.. oh I can just think of the responses xD
But oh my, you always do entertain me with your stories.. you should go out more (well.. now I’m being a hypocrite) maybe if you go out more that lady will give you your check : P Now I’m curious though.. what could she have wanted to talk to you about in your car, and when I first read you were in your car for a bit, I thought the woman was going to say she was praying that you would get a home.. but.. wow.. I was surprised xD
Torri <3
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
That was one of the weirdest events that I have ever heard. Sign a cheque? wtf? That was the randomest thing on Earth XDDDDDDD
But hey, that was a fun read XD -should have grabbed some popcorn and fanta-
And seriously, that old lady’s random, I swear to god. Who in this face of the planet would ask what kind of cup size (or whatever it’s called) someone else is???
o.o
HAHA! I love crazy old people. They scare the shit out of me, but I mean, it might possibly be worth it just to have this sorta thing. Especially the uber religious old ladies.
I personally think ultra-radical religious peeps are the ones that get like that. They think that God’s going to solve all their problems their entire life, and if he doesn’t, they go batshit.
Anyway, this is, quite possibly, the best blog post ever.